so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
