Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
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right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
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We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.