Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
