I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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