The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
