So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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