When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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