porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
being pregnant is like rehab
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
