I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
