Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
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His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
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I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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