my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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