I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
im six kinds of drunk right now
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I supernannyed him into submission
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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