Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
