I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
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I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize