You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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