so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
only if we run a train.
done.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
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I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
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He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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