the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
