I murdered the dance floor call the cops
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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