I didn't shave. On purpose
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
