Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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