Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
