I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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