I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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