He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
