OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
