I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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