This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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