just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
