Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
