the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
