So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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