My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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