Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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