I think I died a long time ago.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm really busy with my period
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