I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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