you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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