mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
