I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
