god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
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I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
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Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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