I need help removing her.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
