So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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