Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
