; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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