She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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