I cockslap morals
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
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