Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
