I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
