is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
