I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
