Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
