My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
