did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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