You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
