I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
