Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
