I'm gonna have a badass scar
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
