2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I can't trust your balls anymore.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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