Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
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